I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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