Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I look better un-naked...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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