dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
