I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
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also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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