This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
