I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
