apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
