I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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