one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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