Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.