I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
