true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those đ
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I should have known it wouldnât work. Someone saved in her phone as âSubway Sexâ called the week before the wedding
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