Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
