my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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