how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
