Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
