How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
