I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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