Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The uberlube is also flammable
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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