i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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