I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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