between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
