I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
