Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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