I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize