Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
