i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
