i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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