chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
