i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
