I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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