a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Randomize
