kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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