You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
