That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
