I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
