Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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