Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
