I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
