Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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