Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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