Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
