Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
