I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs sedatives and a leash
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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