Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
