If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
where are my eyebrows?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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