Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
did you just send me my own nude
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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