just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
