official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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