I wish my penis had an off switch
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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