I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
