Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
