I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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