i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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